He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
