He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
