Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
