Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
