I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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