she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
