He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You ruined the universe
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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