you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
