Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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