Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
