Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
