Old men and throwing up are my life now.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
