i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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