there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
