The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Sacagawea was the original milf.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize