Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
