Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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