you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
