i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
