You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize