Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
