Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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