Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
