insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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