Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
