I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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