Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize