Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You don't make any sense
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