I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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