i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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