When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
