Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
