this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
