I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
