she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
