if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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