He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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