How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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