You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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