Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
