the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
