how can u be prego again
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
