she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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