I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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