Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
