I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
