I cannot find my penis.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
