I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
