My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
