I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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