I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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