sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
