She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
