Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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