I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize