you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
