My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
