A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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