Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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